Seven billion vs seven

This week, the seven billionth child was born. 7 billion – a number that I can’t even put in to context. That’s like the entire UK population x 112. What’s even more astounding, is that each one of us is so different – unique fingerprints, heights, weights, hair and even though some of us may grow up in the same place, same schools, our lives will turn out totally different. We often tend to judge the success of our lives by looking at how much of a difference our life has made to other people. If we died tomorrow, how would that impact the people around us? Would it change the world in any way at all?

This week, one man’s fate was sort of put in to my hands. While this may be dramatizing the situation a bit, for a little while, it certainly felt like that. Doctors and health care professionals seem to think that life is in their hands. So there I was, two months in to my pre-registration year, trying to decide or help sway the decision to give a man with the worst form of brain tumour possible, a slightly expensive chemotherapy agent. Slightly expensive being about £200 per treatment, which is what a lot of us could probably spend on a day out in Bicester Village, on a new phone or on a holiday. Studies showed that the treatment is effective, but only for a few months or so. The endpoint is going to be death. The question then arises as to whether or not it’s really worth it. Aside from the cost aspect, no chemotherapy treatment is a walk in the park and I wish that no one would have to go through that.

For as long as I can remember, the one thing that really frustrates me about myself is my indecision - the constant conflict between emotion and knowledge. With so many things in life, your instinct will be pointing you in the right direction because truthfully, deep down, you know that the outcome won’t be what you want. But then there’s that hope, that trust, that faith and that thought that just maybe, maybe things will go the way you wish they would. The way that in your dreams the story plays out. David Borenstein sums this up quite well - “Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions.” Unfortunately, I think everyone of us, at some point becomes dangerous, me more so than others.

So, even with a decision that was about to impact a man’s life, I sat there in confusion and distress. I had done the research, the treatment would give him a few more months. What more was there to it? I could just move on with my life. But, there I sat, staring at my screen, thinking about how this man was my mom’s age. If it were my mom, would I even think about the cost, the side effects or If it was worth it for only a few more months of life? Wouldn’t I fight for every extra second I could get? Unfortunately, that’s not the way the world works. It’s selfish. And while that may be the wiser, easier, way to live, I’m not sure that’s the way I want to be. I get attached and care for almost everyone that crosses my path, and more often than not, that doesn’t work out well for me… especially since I work in a hospital. I know that in time, I won’t feel anything for the patient suffering in front of me or for the family weeping over a loss. While that makes me a little sad, I know I need to accept the reality of life and my profession. Although many will say how important it is to follow your heart, sometimes it’s just as important to listen to your mind. Instead of thinking about how to change and impact the world of seven billion, that time and effort should be spent on the seven that mean the most to you and that you mean the most to.